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50 Reasons Chicago Is Better Than Boston: Blackhawks-Bruins Rivalrybait

Starting tonight, it’s on: Blackhawks vs. Bruins for the Cup.

But, to be honest, it just doesn’t feel antagonistic enough. The whole Original Six thing is neat, but doesn’t conjure up any of that beloved postseason animus. We’re sure we’ll be laughing at that come, oh, second period of Game 1. But for now, the pot needs to be stirred, and someone has to say it: Chicago trumps Boston. Big time, every time.

ChicagoBetter

1. We didn’t sign Tebow.

2. The ’85 Bears were legendary, probably the most colorful and beloved team in the history of the NFL. In that year’s Super Bowl, they destroyed the ’85 Patriots, most recognizable for employing a man named Mosi Tatupu.

3. Chicago had The Great Chicago Fire of 1871, Boston had The Great Molasses Flood of 1919, in which the city was beset by a massive flood of brown sugar.

4. Our National League team didn’t leave us for Milwaukee.

5. This:

6. Our gangsters are cooler: Al Capone had style, the stuff of countless Hollywood movies. Whitey Bulger ratted on other gangsters and went into hiding for 16 years.

7. Cubs-Cardinals is a great rivalry between two teams from America’s heartland, beloved by a nation. Only ESPN cares about Red Sox-Yankees anymore.

8. Wrigley Field hasn’t (yet) become the unrepentant pit of commerce and capitalism that Fenway has become under the current regime.

9. Jordan > Bird.

10. Chicago never gave Bobby Valentine a job.

11. Chicago is known for its delicious, native deep-dish pizza. Boston is known for having pizza-that’s-not-as-good-as-New-York’s.

12. Belichick perpetrated Spygate, videotaping signals of opposing teams and giving the Patriots the nickname “The Cheatriots.” Lovie Smith could barely work a headset.

13. Who eats baked beans?

14. Who’s the governor of Massachusetts? A Chicagoan, of course.

15. Tim Floyd never said “Michael Jordan is not walking through that door.”

16. Bill Murray.

17. You can walk more than a block in Chicago without seeing a Dunkin’ Donuts.

18. Imagine SNL‘s Super Fans being inspired by Belichick instead of Ditka. [shudder]

19. The largest city without a hip-hop radio station is…not Chicago.

20. Which would you rather be: a blues mecca or the city that gave the world New Kids On The Block?

21. Architecture boat tour > Duck boat tour.

22. In Chicago, you don’t have to go to another state to find a 4 a.m. bar.

23. Chicago has Malort, Boston has Rubinoff. Not sure who wins on that one, but everyone’s liver loses.

24. “Zombie Nation” is no “Chelsea Dagger.”

25. The T in Boston shuts down at midnight. Midnight. You can ride and die on the Red Line all night long (though we admit “die” could be taken literally).

26. So. Many. Nerds. From Boston.

nerds

27. The Green Monster is just a tall wall, but the ivy at Wrigley takes love and care to maintain.

28. Google Maps screen shot of downtown Boston vs. Google Maps screenshot of Chicago. sure you’ve seen the NY version of this. so good b/c it’s so true.

29. Go for a run along the Charles and you get a glimpse of MIT’s not-so-glorious dorms. Go for a run along LSD and you feel like a god.

30. Theo Epstein is ours now, sans gorilla suit.

31. “Mike McGwire and Sammy Sooser.”

32. Chicago is on an easy-to-navigate grid system. Boston’s streets are a nonsensical collection of old horse trails.

33. Boston mayor Menino came up with the amazing accidental nicknames for Pats players “Wilcock” and “Gonk.” Also this:

34. Isiah Thomas, Kevin Garnett, Dwyane Wade, Derrick Rose, Anthony Davis, Jabari Parker, Jahlil Okafor. All from Chicago.

35. What’s a Nor’easter, anyway?

36. We sent Michael Holley back to you.

37. Our dominant Irish family’s patriarch wasn’t a Nazi sympathizer (that we know of.)

38. A sausage & beer party is better than a donuts & tea party.

39. Two Hulls beat one Orr.

40. Sam Adams is overrated. We’ll take a Goose Island, Half Acre, Revolution or Three Floyd’s any day.

41. Bill Buckner played well for us.

42. The Boston Left.

43. “Chicago Hope” > “Boston Public.”

chicagohope

44. Neither of us should be particularly proud, but if we had to pick between bands, we’d pick Chicago over Boston.

45. Our politicians are corrupt, no doubt about it. But at least when they’re caught, the news helicopters are hovering over their homes, they’re not commandeering state police helicopters just to get home.

46. There’s nothing like the Madhouse on Madison. Certainly not like the TD Bank North Financial Shawmut BankBoston Garden.

47. Romney, and his binders full of women.

48. The Onion said it best.

49. Obama hasn’t called any of our players a “little ball of hate.”

50. Both of us are above tired rivalries with New York, and it’s time to get a new one started. Respect to Boston: Let’s do this.

SPECIAL THANKS: James Edwards and Chris Sweeney for their contributions.

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