EDITOR’S NOTE: This story is an important part of something bigger, something special, known as “The ChicagoSide Sports Almanac of Significance, Vol. 1,” which offers you, dear reader, a content series as-yet unavailable on the Web: A unchallengeable compendium of iron-clad analyses of Chicago sports topics of consequence, e.g. Top 25 Chicago Sports Legends, Best Chicago Team Ever, Best Facial Hair. For a full index of all 15 stories, click here.
Mike Ditka: So Fresh And So Clean
It’s hard to imagine Ditka sporting anything other than his signature, clean-cut ‘stache. That’s why Chicagoans love him; it’s all about simplicity and tradition here, a classic fuzzy ornament emphasized by a steely, I’m-gonna-smash-your-face look of death.
Jeff Samardzija: Son of Anarchy
Didn’t you know? Of course you didn’t. That would breach the biker code of silence.
Joel Quenneville: The Walrus
The Walrus comes close to classic, but differs in thickness. As seen from the photo below, the whiskers cover the upper lip, where as the classic simply decorates it. Quenneville’s stache is so mystically machismo that it spawned its own persona.
Dick Allen: Cue Disco
Dick Allen should be dancing.
Rod Beck: The Handlebar
The proportions of Rod Beck’s handlbar/mullet remain mathematically unparalleled.
Michael Jordan: The…Hitler?
This one’s not really a “best.” It’s more like a confounding taboo that can’t go unnoticed. And for a commercial, nonetheless.
Jamal Mayers: Rough Cut
It’s so many things: a goatee, a handlebar, lamb chops and a flavor savor. By all accounts, a champion among champions.
Honorable mentions: No ‘stache, but no less deserving.
Phil Jackson: Freudian Fur
When you’re playing mind games with your opponents, it’s best to look the part.
Drew Gooden: Crazy Legs
Gooden outdid himself by carving out tentacles in his beard. Who needs CGI when you can have the real thing?