Twerking. Syrian invasions. Government shutdowns. Let’s be honest, it’s hard to focus on modern dance, democracy and the global economy when we have the final episode of Breaking Bad and Derrick Rose’s season debut to look forward to. So without further ado, here’s a few predictions for how it all ends this season for our favorite point guard and meth maker with a little help from The Hollywood Reporter’s list of favorite Breaking Bad Quotes.
‘You’re an insane, degenerative piece of filth and you deserve to die.’
In season two, Walt spoke these hurtful words to the meth-addicted drug lord Tuco Salamonca as he was about to off Jesse near the border. The sheer bluntness of Walt’s statement gave Tuco pause, allowing Jesse to hit him in the head with a rock before Hank showed up to seal the deal. The irony here is that you can pretty much say the same thing about Walt these days. In fact, Walt Jr. said he wished Walt would ‘just die already’ in the last episode. Talk about ungrateful. Here’s a kid with limited social skills and no chance of getting laid anytime soon. I wish my father would call to tell me he was sending a package with $100k in cash. I would’ve offered to pay the postage. Walt gave Walt Jr. a shiny new car and something only the love of a father can give … disability swag. And now he’s throwing it all away because Uncle Hank is dead? Teenagers!
Prediction: Walt Jr. becomes addicted to meth and loses all his teeth.
As for the Bulls, Paul Shirley pretty much said the same thing about Gar Forman in response to Forman’s treatment of former assistant coach Ron Adams this off-season.
Both Gar and Tuco have bad hair, bad tempers and questionable management skills. OK, Forman doesn’t deserve to die in a desert shootout. But he probably doesn’t deserve to be the Bulls’ general manager either.
Prediction: Forman keeps his job because fans have no idea who he is.
‘Stay out of my territory.’
As Walt takes ownership of his Heisenbergness, he tells two wannabe meth dealers to find another place to sling their inferior product. The significance here is that for the first time in his life Walt tests the ‘bad ass theory.’ This theory posits that if you act like a bad ass, people will treat you like a bad ass. Of course we now know that if you’re a bad ass with occasional moments of ineptitude and you are tricked into giving up the coordinates of your buried barrels of cash, you might end up alone and shivering in a New Hampshire wood cabin reading the Albuquerque Journal. Forget about no Internet or satellite TV, can you imagine being forced to read month-old editions of the Albuquerque Journal for the rest of your life? Death couldn’t come soon enough.
Prediction: The witness protection guru kills Walt and keeps his cash. Wouldn’t you?
To Joakim Noah, this is the year you become a historically elite defensive force in the Bill Russell mold. Yes you were an All-Star last year. Yes, you averaged 11.1 rebs and and 2.1 blocks during the regular season. But in the playoffs, Carlos Boozer was the Bulls’ leading rebounder. That can’t happen. With Roy Hibbert improving every year by leaps and bounds, Noah has to stay healthy, rebound, block shots and develop a signature move for the Bulls to have a legitimate shot at the title.
Prediction: Noah becomes the best defensive center in the game and leads the Bulls to the best regular season record in the East.
‘La famlia es todo’
In a flashback, Hector almost drowns one of the twins to teach the kids the valuable lesson that no matter what happens in life, you never turn against family. It’s a lesson that Skyler seems to have forgotten when she tried to kill Walt with a butcher knife before forcing him to take temporary custody of their daughter. The nerve. Walt gave her a car wash! How many women in America would kill to have a husband who gave them a car wash? Everyone knows car washes are cash cows. Plus, they already had a swimming pool. What more does this woman need?
Prediction: Skyler ends up in jail where she is visited frequently by Ted who is wildly aroused by prison jumpsuits.
To John Paxson and Jerry Reinsdorf we say ‘Sign Luol Deng, La familia es todo.’ We agree that Deng isn’t getting any younger and doesn’t deserve max money. And we agree that $14 million is a lot for a 16 ppg glue guy. But do we really want to clear cap space to go after Lebron or Melo so we can win with the enemy? Family is everything and if nothing else, Luol Deng is family.
Prediction: Deng re-signs at the end of the year for reasonable money and makes up for the lost income with an increased presence in Joe Rizza Ford commercials.
‘You are not the guy. I had a guy but … You are not the guy.’
When Jesse had visions of becoming an enforcer for Mike, Mike let him know in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t cut out for this line of work. Poor Jesse. Remember early on when he thought he’d hit rock bottom and he retreated to this parents’ comfortable suburban home and caught his perfect little brother smoking weed? All he had to do was stay relatively clean, get a job and he could’ve had access to free breakfast cereal for the next 20 years. Scoff at boring suburban life all you want but when was the last time Jesse had a nutritious breakfast?
Prediction: Jesse’s little brother realizes his suburban life is a sham. He buys a gun, kills all the Neo-Nazi’s, sets Jesse free and together they form America’s #1 ranked meth cooking brother team with a show on the Food Network called ‘Kid Cooks.’
To Carlos Boozer we sadly say, ‘You too are not the guy.’ Boozer was actually pretty good last year averaging 16 and 9. But when push comes to shove, you just can’t rely on his lazy defense and rainbow jumpers to take you to the promised land. Plus, he is scheduled to make $16.8 million in 2014-15. That’s too much money when you have a better defensive presence in Taj Gibson and can use the money to provide Derrick Rose with a better offensive weapon on the perimeter.
Prediction: Boozer is amnestied and decides to try out for the Bears. He plays tight end but is benched mid-season for being afraid to go over the middle.
‘Just because you shot Jesse James, don’t make you Jesse James.’
God we love Mike. Best character actor ever. (Jonathan Banks as Mike Ehrmantraut) Here he let Walt know that he had no right to expect his meth operation to run as smoothly as Gus Fring’s just because he killed Gus Fring. Just think of how successful Walt would have been had he been able to recognize that his strength was cooking and Gus’ strength was empire building.
Prediction: 96% will not be seen again in our lifetime.
To Jimmy Butler, who had a breakout season and is now widely considered a budding NBA semi-sorta-maybe-star after playing great defense and averaging nearly 14 and 5 in the playoffs. From all accounts, Butler is humble and will continue to work hard but you know how these things go. You read your press clippings, realize you’re vastly underpaid and suddenly you’re hunting for shots and looking for numbers to boost your free agent profile.
Prediction: Jimmy Butler’s numbers decrease with the return of D. Rose but he’s still a valuable commodity because he does the little things like rebound, take charges and give D. Rose high fives after dunks.
‘Shut the f— up and let me die in peace.’
The best line of the series happened after Walt shot Mike for not giving up his guys in prison. Has there ever been a more loveable bad guy than Mike? Think about it. Didn’t you feel horrible for Mike when the DEA was harassing him and he was forced to leave his granddaughter at the park on the swing?
Prediction: Mike goes to that place sort of up in the sky in-between Heaven and Hell where bad guys with good hearts are laid to rest. Let’s call it Hellven.
The perfect line for Kirk Hinrich’s swan song. We have no idea how you’re still in the league. Really, we have no idea how you’ve managed to play this long or how you’re going to make $4 million this season. But good for you. You’re a class act who does some things really well. We think.
Prediction: Hinrich retires and replaces Gar Forman within 3 years.
‘If that’s true – if you don’t know who I am – then maybe your best course is to tread lightly.’
Poor Hank. If he had just been willing to look the other way he could’ve enjoyed a happy life with his neurotic, shoplifting wife. Come to think of it, why didn’t Hank get in his SUV and try to drive away when he saw the jalopies approaching in the desert? Did it not occur to him that Walt had evil friends capable of murder? That always bothered me. The mastermind detective who finally brought down the great Walter White was too proud to consider an ambush?
Prediction: Walt kills everyone… the Neo-Nazis, Jesse, the founders of Gray Matter, Marie (especially Marie), Lydia (Gus’ meth supplier). The only person he spares is Reed Hastings, the Netflix CEO who is largely responsible for the show’s incredible popularity.
To the rest of the NBA that’s not sure what Derrick Rose will look like upon his return, we’ve got a little something for you. If you doubted him, if you labeled him soft, if you questioned his leadership, if you panicked and found another favorite player, and if you still think there’s no way a point guard can dethrone the King, well, Tread Lightly.
Prediction: Derrick Rose comes back bigger, stronger, and hungrier than ever. He dominates every facet of the game and the Chicago Bulls hoist the Larry O’Brien championship trophy in June.