Detroit Lions wide receiver Nate Burleson is an average NFL player. His 10-year stats:
YARDS: 5,153 (230th all-time, 16 more than Qadry Ismail and 142 fewer than Rocket!)
RECEPTIONS: 417 (175th all-time—another 122 grabs and he’ll tie…Marty Booker!)
TOUCHDOWNS: 38 (196th all-time—one more than…Marty Booker!)
He’s also a piss-poor prognosticator who is prone, like many modern wide receivers, to me-first, watch-me-dance, hear-me-roar exhibitionism; like in December 2010, when he guaranteed a Lions victory against the Bears. Lance Briggs don’t play that. Chicago won 24-20.
On Sunday against Philadelphia, Nate mock-assassinated an eagle with a shotgun after catching a rare touchdown. “It could have been a super soaker,” said Nate, who received a $10,000 fine for the dance, and added that he’ll have another jig ready for the Bears on Monday Night Football—all part of the “Bad-Boy Lions” renaissance he also called for.
Really, Nate? You’d like to encourage an on-field attitude that, for the Lions, has been historically tied to off-the-field boneheadedness? Really? And you wanna bring that ish into Urlacher’s house?
Well we’ve got something for you, Nate: A goddamn bounty.
Let’s be clear: This is a “clean (goddamn) bounty.” No extra or illegal mustard needed, mainly because Burleson is so glaringly mediocre—rewarding a player like Lance Briggs for shutting down Nate Burleson would be like rewarding a baby for shitting his diapers—and because we don’t dig the head-hunting mishigas.
We’d like to see a 3 rec. for 24 yds. type of game for Nate. A drop or two. A few discouraged head-shakes on the sideline. And most importantly, a W.
Upon completion, we’ll be happy to donate $50 to a charity of the Bears’ choice. Can we recommend the Positive Coaching Alliance of Chicago? Or if you want to get really cute, maybe CATCH, the Nate Burleson Foundation.