Lawyers for the 1985 Chicago Bears filed an injunction in federal court yesterday to prevent this year’s team from “playing winning football,” arguing that a new Bears championship would violate their constitutional right to sell vacation resort time-shares, secure sizable appearance fees at sports memorabilia shows, and endorse local car dealerships.
The suit claims that these activities are protected under Article 7 of the Constitution, which has been upheld of late in cases including Hasselhoff v. Snookie, Favre v. Rodgers, and Newspapers v. Internet.
“We’re demanding that the Chicago Bears do what they’ve done exceptionally well over the last 25-plus years: lie down,” explained attorney Huck Shuckler. “It’s been a sacred trust between the ’85 Bears and every team since that has preserved the city’s love for these players and their right to earn a living by opening strip malls, appearing at trade shows, or coaching the Minnesota Vikings.”
“I love the Bears, but another Super Bowl victory would be devastating,” said Steve “Mongo” McMichael, former defensive lineman, and one of the plaintiffs. “I’ve done some pro wrestling, coached some indoor football team, and I ran for mayor of Romeoville. All from the recognition of being a member of the only Bears team to win it all. And that’s a fact. You can look it up.”
Current members of the Bears team said the suit had no merit.
“That’s crapola,” Jay Cutler mumbled through his sweatshirt collar, which he was lightly gumming as he walked his dog on the lakefront. I mean, the courts have never permitted the Constitutional guarantee of the right to pursue property as a means of preventing others from doing so. The Federalist Papers make clear the government can’t encroach on an individual’s property rights or the pursuit of happiness in the form of a Super Bowl victory for the 2012 Bears. “I mean, that’s what I’d say if I cared.”
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