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BREAKING: Four Cubs Pitchers Flee Spring Training, Seek Asylum

1_Chicagoside_Breaking_News_LogoPitchers and catchers reported to spring training this week, but the opening of camp for the Chicago Cubs was marred by news Thursday that four pitchers had fled Hohokam Stadium seeking “political asylum.”

Security cameras at the ballpark Thursday captured images of Carlos Marmol, Matt Garza, Edwin Jackson, and Hisanori Takahashi running across the players’ parking lot and jumping into the back of a white pickup truck at 8:30 a.m., MST. Their whereabouts were unknown as of Thursday afternoon, but Garza tweeted a series of messages.

“We are applying for political asylum,” he wrote. “We are seeking refuge with another National League team because their facilities were nearby and we were hungry and scared. As members of the Cubs, our careers and perhaps even our lives were in danger. We will not return to the Cubs. Playing for the Cubs is cruel and inhuman punishment. We demand our freedom.”

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Cubs manager Dale Sveum said he would consider forgiving the players if they returned immediately. He said the official rules of Major League Baseball do not allow players to seek political asylum.

“I know we lost 101 games last year,” Sveum said. “But the Chicago Cubs are committed to human rights for their players and if these men have concerns about their safety or well being, we will address them in a humanitarian spirit. We mean them no harm. Also, I want them to know we’re going to have ice cream in the clubhouse this year after games, win or lose.”

*Fake.

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STORY ART: Truck photo courtesy rkimpeljr/cc.

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