BREAKING: White Sox Ban Fans For 2013

In a stunning move by Chicago White Sox top brass, the team enacted a ban on the public from attending live games during the 2013 season.

“Yeah, it’s contrarian,” chairman Jerry Reinsdorf said over soda and sandwiches at a local Jimmy John’s. “But our fans haven’t been supporting us at the stadium for some time now—let’s see what happens when I lock ’em out!”

The mechanics of this unprecedented prohibition have yet to be outlined by Sox management, but a well-placed source with the team said Reinsdorf has taken a hands-on approach to the ban.

“Jerry has lost his goddamn mind,” said the source who asked to remain anonymous. “He’s holed up in his office watching that movie ‘Lean On Me’—you know, the one with Morgan Freeman? Where he chains the school’s doors to keep out drug dealers?—and he’s demanding everyone call him Mr. Clark.”

Speculation by local experts points to the closure of the Red Line stop at 35th Street as a key factor in the drastic maneuver. Last year, the Sox spent most of the season in first place yet struggled to attract paying fans.

“I haven’t been to a White Sox game since Ron Kittle was playing first base,” said longtime Sox fan Bruce Pelonski of Homewood. “Frankly, I don’t like the neighborhood. But I’ll be damned if they’re gonna keep me out of there. I’m gonna find a way to see a game next year if it kills me. Where’s the stadium again?”

Players and coaches were tight-lipped about the development. “No comment,” said Paul Konerko. “Ask Mr. Clark.”


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