BREAKING: Patrick Kane Plays Last Blackhawks Game

Patrick Kane played the game of his life last night at the United Center, scoring 479 goals, winning over 500 faceoffs, and logging 60 minutes of ice time, as the Blackhawks stomped the Red Wings 479-0. Kane played center, left and right wings, both defensive positions and goalie for the Hawks, who improved to 6-0 in 2012 on Kane’s 6th shutout.

“At first I was worried, because I was the only person on the team to show up, again,” explained the Blackhawks star at the postgame press conference, where he took questions from himself for more than an hour. “I was like, ‘Oh man, how am I going to do this?’ But when the Red Wings didn’t show up, I told myself ‘You just might have a chance.'”

Though Kane set both league and team records all night, his celebration was tempered by the lack of fans in the stands, and a half-time text message from his mother, Donna, that read “Where are your Micro Machines jammies? You’ll need ‘em for the flight to Switzerland.

Kane, who took tickets before the puck dropped and sold beer between periods, reported zero sales on his end-of-shift reports. During the second period, the PA announcer, Patrick Kane, announced an official attendance of zero. There were reports from Kane that a janitor wandered in and out during the game, but Kane decided not to count him, as he didn’t pay for his ticket and loudly asked Kane to leave on many occasions.

“It was a hard-fought win,” reflected Kane in his exclusive post-game one-on-one interview with himself. “But sometimes you just have to put the team on your back and do it all. It’s just sad that this is my last game with the Hawks. I was on pace for 34,000 goals this season.”

*Fake.

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