Before the Week 12 matchup at Soldier Field with the Vikings, we took a hard look at the passionate, purple people on the Mississippi—what they do, what they say, and how they feel about having never, ever won a Super Bowl. Ever. In Part One, we included:
1. Eat Ice Cream With Credit Cards
2. Kill Animals With Spears
3. Subject Decades And Decades Of Minnesota Children To Their Ever-Losing Football Team, And Then Film Their Tears
Here are a three more (but suggestions are welcome:)
4. Encourage Fans To Get ‘Super-Duper Drunk’ Before Games
Although he walked back his boneheaded statement (from earlier this week) this morning on ESPN 1000’s Waddle & Silvy Show, Chad Greenway suggested the following to Vikings fans in advance of the Bears game at The Metrodome, or Mall of America Field, or whatever-the-hell they’re calling it these days: “Yeah, I would say morning drinking,” Greenway said, according to the newspaper. “Why not? You could pull an all-nighter. Then you’d have the drunk, tired guys who will really be obnoxious.”
This of course comes from the leading tackler on the team notorious for a cruise on Lake Minnetonka or Minnehaha or Minnewashta or whatever-the-hell it’s called that was so high on alcohol content and debauchery that it’s known forever as “The Love Boat Scandal.”
4a. Fly In Prostitutes For 17-Player Lake Party
It has its own Wikipedia entry.
5. Own Record For NFL’s Shortest Play: -66 Yards
Jim Marshall is a giant of a man, and one of the best players in the history of football, but he’s also the holder of one of the league’s most dubious records: “The Wrong Way Run.”
6. Fail To Pay Proper Homage To The Best Post-Game Rant In The History Of Professional Sports
Ahhh, Uncle Jerry Burns. You kids won’t remember him, and you real kids should not watch this, but sweet-lord-of-Saint-Paul is this rant magical. Denny Green’s “They. Are. Who. We. Thought. They. Were.” tirade? Cuddly. Herm Edwards “You play. To win. The game.” polemic? Neighborly. Jim Mora’s “Play-offs. Playoffs?” screed? Mushy.
BONUS: Another fantastic, classic Vikings collapse, here.